Hero Clerks: The Dinner Date from Hell
by OptimusPrime217
Summary: See why Spider-man and Kitana broke up. Also be dazzled by abusive robots, and a superhero fighting against a blind man.


It was a normal day in the realm of Edenia. That was until the tumbler came suddenly out of the portal tearing through the streets only barely missing any unfortunate soul in it's path.

"Okay, we just went through the portal so take a left here," said Deadpool, who was sitting in the passenger seat and reading a map.

"Deadpool, it's a huge-ass castle at the end of this kingdom or realm, or whatever the fuck they call it, I think I can- HEY GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY!" said Spider-Man who's driving in front of a crowd who was running from his driving.

"Goddamn pedestrians, they need to stay off the road!" mentioned Deadpool.

Elsewhere, on a farm, a farmer is reviewing his work on the crops with his son and lets out a happy sigh.

"You know what, son? Your mother's left me for a woman, I only have partial custody of you, and I'm thousands of dollars in dept. But even so, knowing that I've made a contribution in life makes me feel like living."

The tumbler comes near his crops and stops near the edge of them.

"Dude, this is the wrong way!" explained Deadpool.

"Damn it! We'll never make it this way," said Spider-man.

"Hey Spidey!" Deadpool said while pointing to a cliff close by, "See that? I bet we could jump it."

"Good idea! Now where's the turning thingy I saw on 'Batman Returns?'" asked Spider-Man as he looks through the control in the car.

"It's not that car dumbass, you have to turn it manually!"

Spider-man makes a u-turn, spilling dirt all over the crops. Then he turns on the ignition and the thrusters burn the crops instantlly with the flames from the tailpipe as they drive away. The farmer just stands there and stares as his work, his money, and his only reason for living burned away. Still smiling he takes a knife out of his pocket.

"Well son, it's been nice knowing you. Tell your mother she's a filthy dike whore," he then plunges the knife into his head and falls over instantly while his son faints from the shock of seeing his father commit suicide.

After they jump the cliff the two hero clerks land in front of the castle and on top of 2 white horses. They open the cockpit and get out of the car.

"Okay now let's go over this one more time," said Deadpool as he dusted off Spider-man's shoulders as a big brother would for his little bro's prom, "You don't talk about..."

"Sex!" answered Spider-Man.

"Good, and you don't talk about-"

"My job!"

"But if anyone asks about your job-"

"I work in an office building."

"Good, you're ready to go!" Deadpool said proudly as he patted his best friend on the shoulder.

"Aren't you coming in?" asked Spider-Man.

"Nah, I'm known more for shooting royalty then dining with them, and they wouldn't let me in if they know what's good for them. I'll make my own entertainment, don't worry about me. Just remember-" Deadpool holds out his pinky,"When in doubt, pinky up."

Spider-Man does the same,"Pinky up."

He then walks in and is introduced by his new girlfriend Kitana,"Hey pretty Kitty."

"Don't call me that," said the princess as she welcomed her new boyfriend. Spider-Man took in her appearance, She was dressed in a long dress that hugged her curves and showed her cleavage.

"You're looking nice today," he complemented.

"You can stop looking at my tits now," was her only reply.

"W-What're you talking about," he asked nervously. This wasn't going well.

"You're mask might have eye shields but I know what you're doing when you have your head down. Now come in so I can introduce you to my mother," she demanded.

Spider-Man follows his girl into her palace to meet her mother, Queen Sindel, a middle-aged looking woman with flowing white hair with a black streak on it who was wearing a purple dress. Her most distinguishable feature, however, is her solid white eyes.

"Jesus Christ! What's up with your eyes? Can you control weather or something?" Sindel glares at him, "Ah, I mean hello ma'am."

Kitana just sighs, "Mom this' my boyfriend, ummmm, is it Peter or Spider-Man?"

"We all call ourselves by our superhero names where I come from," he said while trying to ignore his girlfriend's mother's creepy stare.

"What's with the mask?" she said when she finally decided to speak to Spider-Man.

"Well, the animator's were too cheap to animate our actual faces so we're always shown with our masks on," Spidey lets out a very pained sigh, "Besides, it's not as if I can show my face around anymore thanks to that little prick Tobey Macquire."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Sindel asked.

"It's called breaking the fourth wall. My best friend taught me all about it, you should try it some time."

"I know what breaking the fourth wall is, dumbass, I mean why're you mentioning animators when this' a fanfiction?"

"I don't know. The guy who writes this crap is hoping for an animated series. He dreams too big."

"Why do you have your pinky up?" she asks, noticing that his pinky is in the air.

"Um, um, " he puts his pinky in his ear then pulls it out, "The inside of my ear was itchy."

Sindel just shrugs her shoulders. "The dinning area's this way."

"Sweet!" he said, not noticing his girlfriend's glare.

They both follow Sindel into the dining area where Kenshi the blind swordsman and his girlfriend Alex, Li Mei, Kitana's best friend Jade, Sub-zero, Jax, and Scorpion was by the bar. Spider-Man is excited to see his favorite ninja (Deadpool's a mercenary).

"Hi, I'm Spider-Man! I'm a big fan. I swear, I've used your "GET OVER HERE" move on so many people when I use to be a superhero," he explained to the hell-spectre.

"That's nice."

"So, what're you doing here?"

"I'm just stopping by, I can never resist a free bar."

"Well how's the whole revenge thing going?"

"Meh, after 7 or 8 games of fighting for a woman who's face I've never seen, a kid with no name, and a clan of ninja's who all look like me, I just lost interest."

"Oh...what've you been up to lately?"

"I've got a job," Scorpion puts on a police cap and jacket, "And my new girlfriend's the princess' sister/clone. I've got to get back to work, see ya around."

The specter teleports away and Spider-man took his seat at the dinner table next to Kitana.

"Where's Sonya? She and Cyrax were invited," she pondered.

"Damn it Cyrax, I told you we'd be late! Why didn't you just tivo the damn hockey game?"

"Shut up bitch!" they heard a robotic voice and a vicious slap.

"I'm sorry!" the woman cried.

"You're damn right you're sorry! Now who am I?" the robot yelled.

"You're the duke of New York! A-Number-One!" she yelled.

"Damn right, and what do you say if they ask about your eye?"

"I walked into a door!" she cried. After that both Cyrax and a black-eyed Sonya Blade walk into the dining hall and sit down with the rest of the shocked guests.

"What the hell are you all staring at?" Cyrax asked threateningly.

"Um, nothing" said Sindel, "Oh here comes dinner."

The servants all bring in dinner which consists of a feast of ham, oysters, fish, steaks, and just about every food that an average payed divorced man like Spider-Man couldn't afford. Seeing the mountain of fancy food, he reaches for whatever's closest and starts to stuff his face and chew loudly. All the party guests (except Kenshi for obvious reasons) looked at him disgusted at the way he was eating and pouring wine down his throat.

"This is your boyfriend! He eats like a fucking pig," whispered Sindel to her daughter.

"I don't know mom, pigs tend to chew. I think he eats more like a duck," Kitana said to her mother.

"Could you chew any louder!?" Sindel yelled to Spider-man who had a steak in his mouth.

"I can't help it, where I live me and my room-mate and I live off take-out and drive-through food because neither of us can cook."

"Reminds me of someone I live with," muttered Sonya. But her annoyance turns to fright as Cyrax glares at her as if he were about to kill her.

"I-I mean..."

"Don't you have to powder your nose?" Cyrax questioned.

"No," she whispered.

"Of course you do, in fact I'll help you," said Cyrax as he dragged Sonya into a closet.

"I thought slap I told you slap to shut slap your bitch ass slapup!" the party guests all heard Cyrax say.

Cyrax and Sonya both come out of the closet. Sonya looks worse then before, with both eyes black and both her mouth and nose bleeding.

"You okay Sonya?" asked Alex, her Special Forces teammate.

"I'm fine. she says as she closes her eyes and her eyelids say HELP ME.

"Did you get a tattoo?" Alex asked about the writing on Sonya's eyelids.

"TATOO!" Cyrax yelled as he dragged a sreaming Sonya back into the closet and after that a bunch of punches are heard by the party guests. After all that, Cyrax comes out again with Sonya slumped over his shoulder.

"She's passed out, I'm going home. Fuck you all and die!" he cursed to all the party guests as he left.

Awkward silenced overcame the dining room until Sindel broke it."So, anything interesting happen in your life?" she asked Spider-Man.

"Oh a few weeks ago, me and my best friend Deadpool went to this girl name Jubilee's funeral and it was one of the funniest things ever. She died from blood loss from being fucked by the Juggernaut in both of her lower ovarice's. So anyway, my best friend tapped the casket and it turned over and the body fell out. Her body was found paralyzed in doggy style and that's how she was buried. They didn't even dress her and she was buried naked and her face was paralyzed as if she were still screaming," laughed Spider-Man, but his story caused Jax to vomit on the side of his seat.

"Okay, you got a job?" she asked.

"Yes, I..." he remembers what Deadpool taught him,"work in an office building."

"Kitana told me you work in a convenience store," Sindel said, catching him in a lie.

"Um, well...the office job was recent."

"You're a fucking liar," said Kenshi.

"How would you know?" Spider-man nervously asked the blind swordsmen.

"Same way DareDevil can."

"Well I can let the job thing go, but what do you like about my daughter? Just humor me," demanded Sindel.

"Well..." Spider-Man nervoursly turns his head to look at Kitana, and her cleavage, "I love her big... smile."

"Go on."

"And her nice, um, um, personality and..." he tugs his collar,"Look can't you accept the fact that I love your daughter? I mean look at her she's perfect."

"He's lying, he only wants to score," said Kenshi.

"You shut your goddamn mouth you blind asshole!"

"What's that suppose to imply!?" Kenshi stood up.

"It implies that you're nothing but a rip-off of DareDevil and Ermac and that's the only reason you have thousands of fangirls on Deviantart," Spider-Man also stood up.

"Yeah, well I'd rather be a rip-off of Ermac and DareDevil, with thousands of fangirls on deviantart... than be remembered as the douschebag who danced like an idiot across time-square," mocked Kenshi.

"How the hell would you know that dickhead, you're blind!"

"Oh, just about everyone was talking about that and how they wanted their money back," said Kenshi, "Oh, and just for the record, my girlfriend never left me for the a-hole who sued me for lack of exposure or some shit like that. And I never had sex with She-hulk, you little pussy."

"PUSSY! I'm gonna kick your ass!" Spider-Man punched Kenshi in the nose. Kenshi only wipes the blood from his nose.

"Oh, so you want to start something. Come on!" Kenshi taunted Spider-man, which only pisses him off further. Spider-Man charges at Kenshi, but since Kenshi is the better fighter, he grabs Spidey by surprise and flips him over onto his back.

"How's that for a blind man? Sucker!" Kenshi taunted Spider-man even more. Spider-Man, not giving up grabs Kenshi in a headlock with his feet and flips him onto his back. They then both stand up and Kenshi decides to use his telekenisis to throw Spider-Man across the room. Spider-man hits the wall with a loud thud. Seeing a large, silver urn.

"Okay, blind dick wants to play rough, we'll play rough," thought Spider-man. He then shoots a web that hits Kenshi right in the chest, where Spider-Man planned.

"GET OVER HERE!" yelled Spider-Man as he yanked Kenshi towards him, then breaks the urn over his head, knocking him out. Everyone gasps at what they see, not only at what Spider-man did, but how he did it.

"THOSE WERE MY HUSBANDS ASHES, YOU LITTLE PRICK!" yelled a very infuriated Sindel.

"Uh-oh."

"GUARDS, CUT THIS SLACKER'S FUCKING HEAD OFF!" demanded Sindel.

"Well, look at the time, I, uh, gotta go." Spider-man said as he ran for his life from the Edenian guards. "Nice meeting you guys."

Outside, Deadpool was in the tumbler, listening to "It's my Party". However, his fun is cut short as Spider-man frantically opens the cockpit and gets in.

"Spidey, what's going on?" asked Deadpool.

"WEGOTTAGO!" was his only reply as Spider-man sped away, not caring what he hit, leaving behind the whole Edenian royal guard left behind, yelling at the dissapearing car. Sindel and Kitana were at the front steps, seeing the fallen hero escape.

"Kitana, I forbid you from seeing that little dick again." said Sindel.

"Mother, you can't control who I fall in love with!" explained Kitana "Besides, he's kinda cute. I was actually planning on having sex with him tonight. Oh well, maybe next time."

Seeing that she was serious, Sindel came up with a plan, "You know, I think I could convince Raiden to resurrect your old boyfriend."

Kitana smiles happily. "You mean it mom?" Sindel nods, "Oh, I love you mom!"

Mother and daughter both hug. During the happy moment however, Sindel begins to cringe.

"I AM NOT GONNA LIKE WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO CONVINCE THAT LUNATIC TO MAKE MY DAUGHTER HAPPY."

A/N: Well, there you have it, my first completed one-shot. It's not perfect but I tried my best. Now this isn't the end, pretty soon I'll have 2 epilouges up, one involving Cyrax & Sonya, the other involving Sindel & Raiden. Keep watching, though I doubt I'll have anything done by tomorrow. Dark Knight comes out at midnight, and I don't want to have to miss it because of sold out tickets.

Disclaimer: I don't own Spider-man or Deadpool, Marvel does (lucky bastards) and I don't own Mortal Kombat, Midway does (again, lucky bastards). Also the character of Alex doesn't belong to me she belong to iceangelmkx.

Also I'd like to thank Captain Deadpool for Betaing this fanfic. You helped make it even better with just a few short touches man. Thanks. 


End file.
